Deer Horn Lodge
Fishing jokes!
What we all dream about !
A guy rings his boss. I can't come to work today. The boss asks why? The Guy
says it's my eyes. What's wrong with your eyes the boss asks? I just can't see
myself coming to work, so I'm going fishing instead...
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A cold winter fishing trip It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto
a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited
patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble,
when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The
young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth
Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.
But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young
boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any
longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've
been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was
that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep
ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't
understand a word you're saying." The boy spit the bait into his hand and
said... "You have to keep the worms warm!" (DOH!)
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There were four blonde's sitting on the bank of a river, each with a fishing
pole intently concentrating on the task at hand. A Game Warden drives by and
see's the four women apparently fishing and decided to check for the proper
fishing licenses and equipment. He approached the women and told them he needed
to check for their fishing licenses and to his surprise, they all replied they
did not have one. However, before the Warden could speak, one of the women spoke
up and said, "Mr. Warden, sir, we are not fishing for you normal catch. We
are environmentalist ridding the waters of garbage and other debris. "We
are not fishing for "fish." "We have poles, yes, but on the end
of our lines we have magnets. The magnets are gathering up metallic debris from
the bottom of this river and therefore, were are cleaning the environment."
Stunned, the Game Warden thought for a moment and then asked the women to
retrieve their lines an show him the "magnets" they were using. Sure
enough, one after the other, the women showed the Warden various sized and
colored magnets at the end of their line. Puzzled, the Warden again thought for
a moment then stated. "Well, you ladies seem to be doing a good thing here
and there is no law against cleaning up a river bed with a magnet. More people
should be like you four. Have a nice day." With that the Warden drove off.
As soon as the the Warden was out of sight, the four women burst out in
hysterical laughter. Finally, when one of them was able to speak, she said,
"Stupid Fish Cop!. Doesn't he know there are STEELHEAD in this
river?!!!"
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This is Deer Horn Lodge ''Official'' fish finder!
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No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden
asked him how he did it. The man told the game warden that he would take him
fishing the next day. Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a
stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish
started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started
picking up the fish. The game warden told him that this was illegal. The man
took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game
warden and said " are you going to fish or talk".
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Q:How fast do you need to run to get away from a crocodile?
A:The a little bit faster than your Mate.
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A guy and his buddies go off for a week long fishing trip.
When he returns he is furious with his wife, he say's "you forgot to pack
my underwear".
Her reply " I put it in your tackle box "
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Why are you never hungry when fishing on the beach?
Because of the sand which is there.
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Jim's son, Brennan, burst into the house, crying. His mother asked him what the
problem was. "Daddy and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really
big. Then, while he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away."
"Now come on, Brennan," his mother said, "a big boy like you
shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it
off." "But that's just what I did, mommy."
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A couple of young guys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track
when out of the bushes jumped the game warden! Immediately, one of the boys
threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell
and hot on his heels came the game warden. After about a half mile, the guy
stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and
the game warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin license,
boy!" the warden gasped. With that, the guy pulled out his wallet and gave
the game warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game
Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run
from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes sir," replied the
young feller. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one..."
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One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake,
paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the
river, as usual. It was cold and raining, and he decided to return back to his
house. He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife. "What
a terrible weather today, honey." he said to her. "Yes. And my idiot
went fishing!"
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Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day
without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket
and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones
outand throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them
at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy." "But why?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I
should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
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What did the fish say when he swam in a concrete wall ! Dam
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Two morons were in a boat fishing. They had great luck. One moron said to the
other "we should mark this spot." So the other one leaned over a put a
mark on the side of the boat. His buddy said "you fool that won't work".
"Why" said the other. Because his buddy said "we may not get the
same boat tomorrow".
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Q: If fish lived on land, which country would they live in? A: Finland.
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Q: How do you stick down an envelope under the water? A: With a seal.
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A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals
pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see,"
said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man." As he was walking
away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the
first thing about shark fishing."
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A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over,
picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay
with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at
it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me
and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want."
Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess,
that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you
kiss me?" The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have
time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."
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Two fishermen travel 100 miles to try out a new fishing spot. They buy a variety
of bait and lures and rent a boat. After a long day of fishing, the two
fishermen return to the dock. The first fisherman pulls their only catch from
the live well, a scrawny bass just legal size. He says, "Boy! This fish
cost us about $75." The second fisherman says, "Well it's a good thing
we didn't catch any more
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Q: Where do fish keep their money? A: In the river bank.
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One day Jim was out fishing and was not having any luck at all, he tried lures,
worms and other types of bait and was just not catching anything. Tom was
fishing about 20 feet from him and was catching fish as fast as he cast his line
out. Jim was gettingvery jealous of this show off, so he asked the Tom what he
was using for bait. The man said " I am using worms, but I dip them in
whiskey" Jim got really interested in this technique so he asked Tom if he
could try one of these drunk worms. Tom had no problem with this request so he
handed Jim one of the worms. Jim placed the worm on the hook and cast out no
sooner than his hook hit the water, Jims pole began to bow like crazy, he set
his hook and started to reel it in. Once he got his catch up to the shore he
noticed that the worm had the fish by the throat......
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A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Algonquin Park recently with two
buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked
the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" The man replied
to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?!"
the warden replied. "Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to
the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into
their buckets, and I take em home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish
can't do that!" The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then
said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works." "O.K. I've GOT to
see this!" The game warden was curious. The man poured the fish in to the
river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the
man and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" the man responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked. "The FISH." "What fish?"
the man asked.
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Deer Horn Lodge fishing guide!
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Kent and three of his buddies have gone fishing every saturday for nearly forty
years. One Saturday, the guys are fishing along a highway when a funeral
processional drives by. Well, Kent lays down his pool, stands up in the boat,
takes off his lucky hat and places it over his heart. This processional is huge
and takes nearly five minutes to pass. Once it passes, Kent sits down, puts his
hat on and cast out without saying a word. Needless to say his buddies are
floored by his actions. One of em finally speaks up and says, "that sure
was a respectful thing you did there when they went by." Kent replied,
"It seems the least I could do seeing as how I've been married to the woman
for over forty years!"
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What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling,
scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
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Fishing rule #1: The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
Fishing rule #2: The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing
around you. Fishing rule #3: Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won't make
him truthful.
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Globe & Mail. Forget about Dog Bites Man. Relegate Man Bites Dog to the back
pages. Today, we are dealing with Fish swallows dog, an item which reaches us by
way of Moscow. The dog was swimming across the Pechora River to join its master
when it vanished, leaving only a ripple. The dog's master, who was fishing at
the time, hauled in his net and found it contained a giant pike. He looked
closely at its mouth and said to himself (probably) "Thereby hangs a tail."
Yes, it was Fido (or the Russian equivalent). The dog struggled out after the
fish was cut open, and, according to Radio Moscow, hurled itself at the pike,
"barking excitedly." It is often difficult for fishermen to tell
stories about the one that got away. In this case, Radio Moscow notwithstanding,
will it be any easier to tell about the one that didn't
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In January 1994, at the Lake Como Fish and Game Club near Syracuse, N.Y., Brian
Carr beat out three dozen competitors in the annual ice-fishing derby, with 155
catches. The temperature that day was minus 30, and the prize money for the top
three anglers was $8, $6.50, and $5.
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There were two old boys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to do
some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there.
The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a
little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going
to need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off. In about two
hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need
another dozen ice picks." Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some
questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about
an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've
got." The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he
asked, "how are you fellows doing?" "Not very well at all,"
he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."
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Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before
the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's
limit.
Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever
advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and
reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their
life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).
Line - Something you give your coworkers when they ask on Monday how your
fishing went the past weekend.
Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into
such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting
the tackle shop.
Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped
overboard.
Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from
ever getting too close to a fish.
School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold
out for spam instead.
Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before
he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.
Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only
a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong
box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.
Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting
fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming
"that darn line" for once again losing the fish.
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"While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the
premises, there are some arguments for changing that policy. Reasons for
allowing drinking at work include:
It's an incentive to show up.
It reduces stress.
It leads to more honest communications.
It reduces complaints about low pay.
It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
It encourages carpooling.
Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
It makes fellow employees look better.
It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party."
Last modified April 2nd 2005
Stephan Hamel Webmaster
Copyright® 93248 Canada LTD